The Things I Want to Want to Do.

I'm sorry, I can’t do it.

Actually, I can. I just won’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I have done things. I went on walking tours, to convents and to Semana Santa concerts. I went skiing in Sierra Nevada. I signed up for cooking classes, sevillana lessons, photography courses. I took the required selfies and mental notes of what I could write about.    

                   Smile for the camera.          Think of funny stories.

Guess what though? I couldn't make fun happen.

I thought this was the challenge I needed to keep going. I was wrong.  My heart isn't in it. I'm done with life-changing challenges right now. Just like that gym pass I got a couple of months ago. I’d go home and look at the stupid magnetic bracelet calling me from across the room. “Gooooo to the gyyyym!”, it would say, trying to guilt me into it. 

“You won’t make me!”, I would shout back –internally, obviously, I haven’t reached that level of crazy. I didn't go to the gym last month. 

Not once.

I do want to do fun stuff. I also want to write sometimes, but I want to do it the right way.

I want to want to do stuff.

I want to want to write.

I want the awesome photos to be of truly awesome moments. The fun stories to be about actual fun stuff.

Maybe it’s about reinventing the approach. Or maybe I don’t want to find another approach just yet. In truth, I hope the approach finds itself.

Meanwhile, no more challenges, no more guilt traps; I cancelled my gym membership.

The bracelet however, is still in the living room, by the television. I look at it sometimes. I'm looking at it at this very moment. 
                            “Who’s laughing now, eh?”.